LAte Night Writing

By jasonwhitaker29171 on April 14, 2020

It’s late and my mind wanders, with each passing second, from one thing to another. Random. It’s like I’m searching for something that I can care about but all I find are useless things.

I guess I should write something. This paper will not write itself.

I like to write. I write whenever I have nothing else to do. My problem is writing a paper for a class I hate about a subject I hate. I’m still unclear why I am writing a paper on the history of modern mathematics. I’m writing this instead of that. At least it’s better than watching porn. This is more productive.

I’m actually bored enough now that I am considering watching porn. I don’t actually like porn. It’s one of those things that fascinates me. It’s something I watch while not believing that I’m watching it. I find it disturbing and interesting at the same time. Maybe I need therapy or something. I’ve watched shows with therapists so maybe that counts as having had therapy myself.

I’ve written the paper. I also watched porn. Not much because I never get too far into a video before…

I’m at the point in the night in which I am so tired that I am too tired to sleep. I usually have no problem sleeping after porn but this time I wrote a boring paper afterwards. I have no explanation as to why writing said paper made me less interested in sleep.

I look at myself. I wonder if others find me as unattractive as I do. I don’t date because I’m too insecure to ask another boy out on a date and because I’m not certain which boys at my school are gay.I hear the rumors and I have a list of potentially gay boys but I’m too afraid of being wrong.

It’s time to sleep. I almost decide to take out my phone again for another “me time” with one of my favorite videos but I’m too tired to find my phone. I guess this is where I will end this and begin my search for dreams I can forget in the morning.

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