It’s late and my mind wanders, with each passing second, from one thing to another. Random. It’s like I’m searching for something that I can care about but all I find are useless things.
I guess I should write something. This paper will not write itself.
I like to write. I write whenever I have nothing else to do. My problem is writing a paper for a class I hate about a subject I hate. I’m still unclear why I am writing a paper on the history of modern mathematics. I’m writing this instead of that. At least it’s better than watching porn. This is more productive.
I’m actually bored enough now that I am considering watching porn. I don’t actually like porn. It’s one of those things that fascinates me. It’s something I watch while not believing that I’m watching it. I find it disturbing and interesting at the same time. Maybe I need therapy or something. I’ve watched shows with therapists so maybe that counts as having had therapy myself.
I’ve written the paper. I also watched porn. Not much because I never get too far into a video before…
I’m at the point in the night in which I am so tired that I am too tired to sleep. I usually have no problem sleeping after porn but this time I wrote a boring paper afterwards. I have no explanation as to why writing said paper made me less interested in sleep.
I look at myself. I wonder if others find me as unattractive as I do. I don’t date because I’m too insecure to ask another boy out on a date and because I’m not certain which boys at my school are gay.I hear the rumors and I have a list of potentially gay boys but I’m too afraid of being wrong.
It’s time to sleep. I almost decide to take out my phone again for another “me time” with one of my favorite videos but I’m too tired to find my phone. I guess this is where I will end this and begin my search for dreams I can forget in the morning.
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