Can I go back to bed and skip today?
I find no excuse for missing school. I mean I could pretend to be sick but the last time I pretended to be sick my mom decided to take me for a doctor’s visit.
My reason for wanting to skip this day and maybe more than this day began a week ago.
I was writing like I’m writing this with the assumption that the words I wrote would remain private. It could be my fault for reasoning there would be any degree of privacy in the cafeteria but here we are, post humiliating moment, and I am wondering if I could convince my parents that we need to move to another state or country.
The topic of my personal and very private essay was boy I found myself crushing. It was not something I had any intention of pursuing beyond my vivid imagination. The only reason for me writing about him was so that I could move past him and concentrate on some homework that I needed to finish before class.
I don’t know the details in regards to someone reading what I wrote but the whispers I heard around me made it obvious that someone had read what I had written.
The rest of that day and everyday since that I day I have lived in a fog of ignorance. I have ignored the many whispers and the many stares received. I go to class and do my work but I’m blissfully ignorant of the things being said about me. Apparently most people in my school have not mastered the skill of the whisper.
I’m not hiding the fact that I’m gay. I’m not advertising it like it’s this weeks sale at the local market either. I like to keep to myself. I like to read and write and imagine other places. I imagine dating and having friends but I’m not skilled at making friends.
Yesterday I was walking down a hall. Most details are a blur. It was a crowded hall. I was walking somewhere but I have since forgotten my destination.
I saw him before he saw me. In my mind I was planning an escape route when he spoke.
I watched his lips move. I wanted to pretend to not hear him. I wanted to be anywhere but there in front of the boy I thought of when I was alone. I wanted to be home in bed. I wanted this to be a dream.
He said so much but all I remember is what he did. He kissed me.
He walked away after this kiss. I stood there motionless for a moment before the crowds, that had stopped to watch us out of curiosity, began to move once more. I was pushed along, down the hall, and to my next class. I’m uncertain which class I was meaning to go to or if I ended up in the correct classroom.
I came home and began writing this in hopes of determining whether or not what happened had indeed happened. It could have been my imagination. I could have fallen asleep in my class and dreamt the entire encounter. But, with writing this, I know that my life has changed forever.
Sure, you may think that it is just one kiss from a cute boy but it’s not everyday that there’s evidence of what’s whispered about.
I’m too nervous. I’m afraid of knowing the meaning behind the kiss. Did he kiss me just to out me? In my mind I also imagine us as boyfriends. In my imagination we’ve had sex. It was great.
I want to go to school and kiss him again so there’s no doubt that I’m gay.
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