I move beneath the pile of blankets until I’m warm. For a moment I imagine remaining in my warm bed until it’s not so cold outside.
I can feel the pull of dreams keeping me beneath the pile of blankets. I can feel my eyes become weighted with the urge to sleep that comes from being cold. I’m warm now but I’m still sleepy. The warmth after being cold only increases my desire to dream again.
My phone vibrates on the table beside my bed. I forgot to turn the ringer back on again. Not many people call me. Mostly people text me or IM me when they want to communicate with me. It is 2020 after all.
I know who it is without looking. The one friend that always calls me. He’s my age but some of the stuff he does makes him seem so much older.
I ignore the first few times it rings. He doesn’t hang up after the first few rings. He makes it ring, or in this instance vibrate, until it goes to voicemail. I can hear it vibrate on the table. My giant ring of keys next to my phone dance whenever my phone vibrates.
A slow rain greets me as dreams fade into the early light of a new day. I could remain in bed for a few more hours but I place my feet on the floor and begin my day.
It’s a new year and I’m full of hope for the things possible.
I hear the songs of the season as the snow begins falling outside. I’m alone on this December evening. I’m always alone dreaming of not being alone. It’s cold outside as I bury myself beneath a stack of blankets.
It’s the time of year to remember how alone I am as families gather together somewhere.
I can imagine a time when I was younger and not always alone. I’m not speaking from a place of pride but a place of sorrow. I miss those moments. I think back upon those years often. I’m more alone than ever before these days and nights.
I cannot say that I was happy or not but that I was preoccupied most of the time. There were a few times spread out over those years in which I would find myself with someone.
These days, present days, I’m so often by myself…
The wind is cold and damp. I’ve driven for hours to reach this field. After leaving the letter I followed the directions left for me on a note. I drove not knowing if I would find him alive or not.
After this our lives will never be the same again.
I enter the room as though I already belong in this place I’ve never been. I count things in my head to calm my nerves. The letter only mentioned the place and time. The envelope in my hand is what the kidnapper wanted.
I walked into our apartment expecting him to be waiting for me but what I found was an empty apartment. The note left instructed me to retrieve a letter from a box at a bank I’ve driven by often but have never been inside of.
I watch the stars at night as the story unfolds in my mind like a map I’ve seen a thousand times. I could hold my breath as the winds of time shift. I can hear the sounds of life, songs of life become my soundtrack.
Have you ever been in love as I am at this very moment in time. The actions in this moment and the moments to follow shall determine my future. If I could see what tomorrow will be like would I be so bold in expressing my feelings?