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Tonight I Remember…

It’s just another day

but it’s not the same.

It’s never easy saying goodbye.

I will always remember you.

I can imagine you

but it’s not the same.

I wonder if you knew

what you meant to me.

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My Soundtrack, in the Silence

I hear the music in the silence,

calling me to a higher purpose.

I dream vividly as my story is written.

I call out to whoever may listen.

What time is it?

I’ve heard of this place before.

It’s like I’m seeing myself for the first time.

I listen to song after song, wondering what’s my soundtrack.

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Dark Places Imagined: Is This the Beginning?

I start with this memory because I recognized a face from that dream today.

The Prelude…

The week is nearly over as the alarm clock wakes me once again. I can hear my boss and i’m still in bed trying to imagine life without this job. I get ready for the day like I do everyday, a step by step process done without much thought or variation. I wear basically the same clothes each day only with a slight variance in shade. I drive to work listening to NPR and drinking my lukewarm coffee. I see the others racing to get to some office as I have for these many years. Once at my desk I begin to work though I sometimes find myself forgetting what I did all day.

 

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Dark Places Imagined, Found

The bright lights of the fireworks exploding overhead light the path in front of me. I slowly walk away from the sounds of the crowds cheering towards a darkened woods. Is this where my story ends? I have no idea what I will do once I reach that place in this trail where I’ll be out of sight and out of earshot of anyone, not that anyone could hear me over the fireworks and celebration or notice me with all of the celebrating, but my feet keep moving me forward.

Where did this begin but with a dare and a question. We’ve heard the tales and we’ve seen the images of people missing but it’s not like we knew any of them. They were strangers on the news, news that became background noise as we sat around thankful for the end of another day, until it was one of us.

 

This story will neither begin well or end well for any of us. This is one of those dark places imagined, found.

 

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Words…

Somewhere in the night

I could arise

like the sun

and be more than anything anyone could imagine.

I hear the words

of the ignorant

and I wish that I could say

that these words never hurt

but sometimes they bring me down.

I’m not like any other,

nor do I desire to be

what some would call “normal”….

 

 

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On My Own…

I stare into the abyss of the coming day,

hours I dread coming so fast

like a train on a foggy day

appearing like a ghost

so suddenly,

I shake myself awake

after dreams so vivid

but now they’re all faded

erased from my memory.

I count to ease the things

of memory that sometimes

rush like a flood

overwhelming me

as I attempt to live my life

forgetting the trauma

that has brought me here.

If only I could not be alone

I could dream those pleasant dreams

every night without the worry of

reliving something so dark from my past.

I could kiss his lips,

kiss his hips,

feel his embrace

while he’s inside.

These hours of life bring me back

to what’s real and what is not.

I’m without a love

and sometimes it hurts

to be on my own in this World.

 

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Goodbye to the Past

It’s been so many days

since we last spoke on the telephone

but it’s just now that I write these words down:

I wish that things were different,

I miss the way it was before

but maybe it could never be

like it was before again.

I don’t blame you for being who you are,

I only wish you the best,

and as I end this

I want you to know

how much you mean to me

all of those times we’d be on the telephone.

It meant more to me

to hear you talk about your day

because I’m here alone

so often and you were

a voice in the silence

of my life.

We have parted ways,

we’ve done this before,

but now I’m afraid

that this must be

a permanent end

to our conversations.

 

 

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Alone in this World…

Late in the evening,

early in the morning

sometimes I wonder

if alone is how I’ll always be

in this World.

 

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Holiday Season

Summer is near its end,

soon there will be pumpkins carved,

and soon I will have that feeling again.

It’s the Holiday Season

that makes me recall

things of childhood.

I look forward to the movies

and TV specials.

I look forward to the food.

It’s that time of year

I look forward to the most.

 

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Not Forgotten

I slow my mind

with a rhythm

as my heart races.

I think about a moment,

it was so long ago,

it was just one night

but I’ve never forgotten it.

I recall meeting him

every so often

and how I only thought of him

while we were together.

Sometimes I think about the guys

I’ve shared my time with

but they were only moments in time

and now I am here alone.

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When I dream of Love…

All of these days and nights

dreaming of someone like you

but you’re just a dream

that will never come true.

Alone in my room

with my thoughts

and time…

I find myself wanting what I’ve never had from you.

 

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Sometimes of Memory

Sometimes while watching the weather repeat,

hot days with thunderstorms once again,

I find myself thinking about these many years.

Once I sat and spoke with you

on the Boulevard

while fascinated by the colors of the lights

and our conversation I recall

as a jumble of words.

I follow these fragments of memory

to the many places that I have been before.

I can taste these memories

like you were here with me now

but I have no idea where you reside now.

 

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Times…

I thought these days would be better,

these times alone

with my thoughts,

but do things ever get better?

 

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If Only

Somewhere out there among the stars,

I’ll find my dreams

and find you waiting for me.

Come to me when you find me,

I’ll be waiting for you.

We search our entire lives

for the love

that no one else has for us.

We search all of these days and nights

for arms to hold us tight

but we spend too many nights alone

wishing we could find this love.

If only love could find his way to me…

 

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We Shall Rise…

It’s louder than ever before,

a call to rise

and realise

things are not well.

These days we live,

like no other days

are full of hope

if only we don’t remain silent

about what’s happening

all around us.

 

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Sometimes I Wonder…

Sometimes I wonder

where I went so wrong?

I could love you

but these feelings

won’t let me

let you in.

Somedays I feel like this crushing force

is about to take my last breath

as I remember you

as you were

when we would kiss.

Sometimes I think no one

could ever love me

as I am,

but how could I ever change

who I am for love?

 

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Once Again…

I come here again

trying not to pretend

I’m doing well,

no words could

ever express

the things

in my mind.

I live each day

uncertain of the next,

time so quick

I sometimes forget

I only have so much time

to tell you how much

I love you…

but you already knew…

 

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Strange Dreams

Sometimes late at night

I imagine things

like strange sounds

outside my bedroom window.

 

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This Now…

I have been waiting for so long

to tell you everything

but at these times

the words fail me somehow.

If I could take back

what I’ve done,

reverse the years

to spare you the tears,

I would do anything

to do it all again.

I cannot pretend to understand

having someone like me

is like having no one at all

but here we are

and we’re all we’ve got

in this World.

So, let’s start new

with here and now

and see where things

take us now.

 

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