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#Alone

On My Own…

I stare into the abyss of the coming day,

hours I dread coming so fast

like a train on a foggy day

appearing like a ghost

so suddenly,

I shake myself awake

after dreams so vivid

but now they’re all faded

erased from my memory.

I count to ease the things

of memory that sometimes

rush like a flood

overwhelming me

as I attempt to live my life

forgetting the trauma

that has brought me here.

If only I could not be alone

I could dream those pleasant dreams

every night without the worry of

reliving something so dark from my past.

I could kiss his lips,

kiss his hips,

feel his embrace

while he’s inside.

These hours of life bring me back

to what’s real and what is not.

I’m without a love

and sometimes it hurts

to be on my own in this World.

 

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Alone in this World…

Late in the evening,

early in the morning

sometimes I wonder

if alone is how I’ll always be

in this World.

 

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When I dream of Love…

All of these days and nights

dreaming of someone like you

but you’re just a dream

that will never come true.

Alone in my room

with my thoughts

and time…

I find myself wanting what I’ve never had from you.

 

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Sometimes I Wonder…

Sometimes I wonder

where I went so wrong?

I could love you

but these feelings

won’t let me

let you in.

Somedays I feel like this crushing force

is about to take my last breath

as I remember you

as you were

when we would kiss.

Sometimes I think no one

could ever love me

as I am,

but how could I ever change

who I am for love?

 

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We Kissed…

Somewhere, once someday long ago,

we kissed and I remember

how much I wanted it to never end

but here I am alone

longing to be kissed again.

I cannot explain it,

these feelings within

like tiny explosions

in my heart.

Do I still love you

or have I ever loved you

from the start?

Maybe I’ll never know

because it ended before

it had time to truly begin…

 

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Floating Through

I float through like I’m Casper.

I woke up alone again

trying to pretend

I’m doing better

but the pain don’t lie.

All of these words

to hide how I’m feeling.

Sunday morning,

time passing,

as I wonder if things will

always be this way.

I drift into the silence

uncertain of which direction

I’m heading.

Sometimes I have so much hope

but now all I have are doubts

about everything.

 

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Where to Begin?

I think you know by now

that these doubts linger with me

everyday of my life,

I wish I could take these things

and remove them so easily

but I don’t have the answers

to the riddles of my heart.

Where do I start

to tell of the history

and the pain?

 

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If Only

I close my eyes to the day,

dreams are better than

my real life.

If I could express

in words

the things

in my head

I would

but they remain

unspoken.

I holding onto so much

you’ve never seen,

what do I know of anything

but the pain that comes

from the struggles of life.

I wait for night to come,

to haveĀ  a chance

to forget:

if only for a dream.

On My Own

Today I woke up,

alone again,

not knowing

where to begin.

Who can I go to

when I need someone?

I’m here alone,

wondering what to do,

wondering if I will fail

when I try to be more

than I was yesterday.

Will you help me?

Today I wonder

how I will do anything

on my own.

 

Confidence

Late night,

alone in my room,

wondering what to do

when I’m so unsure of everything.

I desire to do so much

but I lack the confidence

to do much of anything.

Awake and Hopeful

I woke from a dream

not knowing if it was real,

open my eyes to realise

I was dreaming the entire time.

I could say I regret

but life happened

and all you have are memories.

I have a telephone

but no one ever calls me,

I’m alone on this journey of life

and I’m looking for someone to show me

the direction to the the nearest exit.

I wake to a cold bed,

I’m stiff and freezing cold.

I’m alone in my bed

with dreams lingering,

do you remember me

because I was different then?

Now I am woke

ready to smash,

patiently waiting

but always a hopeless romantic

I eagerly wait for the next dream

and as soon as my head reaches the pillow

I’ll be far from here

in a fantasy.

Are you there

reading what I have to say?

I wish we could have been

more than friends

but now it’s not the same

and I am trying to be someone better

than I was those many years ago.

One last thing before I go:

I’m awake and hopeful.

 

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Silence

I start with a few words

of honesty,

I share what’s happening.

It’s inside of me

these feelings of being inadequate.

I try to ignore your silence

but I don’t have it in me.

 

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Memories

If you can hear me,

when I say I need you,

will you remember me

when I’m no longer with you?

Someday my memories,

all of my days and nights,

will be forgotten

like so many before me.

I wonder if I’m wasting

these precious hours

seeking something

I shall never find.

I wonder if there’s more

to life than history.

 

 

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Again

Last words for another day,

will I be so bold

and say what’s on my mind?

I’m gay if you don’t already know.

I suck cock and guys suck mine as well.

I’ve had sex as if you could tell by looking at me.

Am I ashamed of these things?

No, I’m not and I will do it again.

 

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I dream of Love

I dream of days that will never be,

I dream of people I’ll never know.

Sometimes I say words no one will ever hear,

sometimes I think: why am I here?

It’s not easy to explain,

the many things

that I am.

I can be sweet

and I can be not so nice at times.

I have these moments I feel so alone,

I want you to know that the pain you may feel

I have felt that pain as well.

I wake up not aware of what to think of the new day,

I awake hopeful that I won’t make too many mistakes.

I’m too honest at times

and I lie too often

nothing is real anymore.

I like things you may hate.

I think too much

and I do too little

so my life feels incomplete.

I’m sometimes horny,

it’s a part of the lonely.

If you know what I mean

you must be breathing.

I want to be with someone,

use my dick once again.

Is that too honest

or is that vulgar?

If I tell you I want dick again

where would we begin

to say what is hidden within?

I know secrets that I won’t share here.

Where was I?

I want it but I may never have it again.

I also want love but what is love?

How do I know it’s real

when I’ve never really had it?

Who am I?

I am many things to many different people.

I am not always the same.

What I say tonight

may not be what I say tomorrow.

I dream while awake.

I dream of him

but there’s no him in real life.

We kiss and I want to remain kissing forever.

We share our lives

but I have no life to give.

We are physical but you’re not.

What I want is more than a dick,

that’s not mine,

but I don’t have that yet.

I dream while awake of a love not yet had.

 

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Someday

With fading dreams I awake,

wondering if today will be different

from the many before this one.

I dream of a stranger,

someone unknown to me now

but someday we won’t be strangers anymore.

Hello,

I’ve been thinking of you often,

wondering what those future days

would be like when my solitude would end.

I could smell your skin,

a scent I would know so well,

place my lips against your skin

just below your ears.

I could feel you pressing against me,

feel you in me.

We could begin with whispers,

love lines said between us.

We would kiss

and hold each other closer than before.

I would find you ready,

I could kiss it

and know that you’re eagerly waiting

to fill me your love.

Now back to this moment,

alone wondering if we’ll ever be

because it’s hard when I imagine

what it will be like to have you in my arms

and know that you love me.

 

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Dreaming

As I begin to drift,

sleep begins to take me

to places unknown to me.

I live a vivid life

while my eyes are closed.

I meet so many people while asleep

but when I’m awake

I’m alone most of the hours

of the day waiting to dream again.

 

Remember

Sky is full of stars,

memories fill me

as I long to be

somewhere other than here.

I’m in my room,

though in my mind

I’m thousands of miles

somewhere else.

Images fill my head,

my heart quickens its pace.

I think of them,

their names long since

gone from my memory.

If I could touch you one more time,

taste you again,

feel your skin against mine,

feel your body as I am inside

of feel you inside

of me.

Those times were quick,

so brief yet I want them again.

I stand alone,

now in my room again,

I feel myself growing,

as these memories

come again.

I long for you

and I hope that you are doing well.

It’s been some years since

and I still remember you.

Day to Day

These times are tougher,

wondering what tomorrow will bring,

tougher than most days

but these aren’t your typical days.

My emotions are mixed,

I want to be alone

but I want to have a boyfriend

to hold me at night.

These times I imagine being next to him,

I could feel him next to me

and this closeness would

bring comfort to me.

Now Alone I stand,

always alone am I

as I wonder if there’s more to life

than this day to day.

 

These Nights

These nights are long

dreaming of a life different,

uncertain of how to find

a way to change everything.

I follow each day to the end,

dawn to dusk

I rise to lay my head

back down again.

I could pretend I know where I’m going

but what is certain

is that nothing is certain

with me.

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