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#depression

Sometimes I Wonder…

Sometimes I wonder

where I went so wrong?

I could love you

but these feelings

won’t let me

let you in.

Somedays I feel like this crushing force

is about to take my last breath

as I remember you

as you were

when we would kiss.

Sometimes I think no one

could ever love me

as I am,

but how could I ever change

who I am for love?

 

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Whole Again

I wish I could be so bold

in my life

but these strings

keep me down.

I feel the tug to be

like someone else

when my real self keeps

reaching up towards

greater heights.

I imagine being myself

but who am I

when these tragedies and lies

have shaped my identity?

I want to love but I fear

love won’t be returned.

These nights alone

I fear these nights

will be the rest

of my life.

Stuck in me head

trying to be me

when your impressions of me

keep bringing me down.

Trying to live my dreams

but all I receive are reasons to give up.

I hear the birds sing

and I hear the wind through the trees

as I sit silently waiting for another day to begin…

Can you take away the pain

and all of these hidden things

that keep me locked away?

I never doubted you,

Lord, you have brought me through

so much pain and suffering

but now I need for you

to make these broken pieces

whole again.

 

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Floating Through

I float through like I’m Casper.

I woke up alone again

trying to pretend

I’m doing better

but the pain don’t lie.

All of these words

to hide how I’m feeling.

Sunday morning,

time passing,

as I wonder if things will

always be this way.

I drift into the silence

uncertain of which direction

I’m heading.

Sometimes I have so much hope

but now all I have are doubts

about everything.

 

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Better…

A million questions

inside of my head,

sitting while you were

going down,

closing my eyes

to what’s real

for a dream.

I close my eyes

to it all

when things are tough,

I imagine things are better

but I wonder if

things will ever be better…

 

 

 

Where to Begin?

I think you know by now

that these doubts linger with me

everyday of my life,

I wish I could take these things

and remove them so easily

but I don’t have the answers

to the riddles of my heart.

Where do I start

to tell of the history

and the pain?

 

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Short Stories

I am posting short stories to my Patreon…

 

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If Only

I close my eyes to the day,

dreams are better than

my real life.

If I could express

in words

the things

in my head

I would

but they remain

unspoken.

I holding onto so much

you’ve never seen,

what do I know of anything

but the pain that comes

from the struggles of life.

I wait for night to come,

to haveĀ  a chance

to forget:

if only for a dream.

Where We Once Walked…

The bus moves slowly through the town that I once called home. I’ve been sleeping since I left the place I was but now here I am uncertain of what’s next. I could say that moving back here was a part of a greater plan but when have I ever planned anything?
The trees where I once ran between remain. The park still as green as when I was here once so many years ago.
I remember that last night spent here with him. We were in love but my life called me away.
The bus stops and for a moment I consider remaining on the bus. I could go to another town. I could live the rest of my life without returning here…
Continue reading on my Patreon (found below):

Confidence

Late night,

alone in my room,

wondering what to do

when I’m so unsure of everything.

I desire to do so much

but I lack the confidence

to do much of anything.

Awake and Hopeful

I woke from a dream

not knowing if it was real,

open my eyes to realise

I was dreaming the entire time.

I could say I regret

but life happened

and all you have are memories.

I have a telephone

but no one ever calls me,

I’m alone on this journey of life

and I’m looking for someone to show me

the direction to the the nearest exit.

I wake to a cold bed,

I’m stiff and freezing cold.

I’m alone in my bed

with dreams lingering,

do you remember me

because I was different then?

Now I am woke

ready to smash,

patiently waiting

but always a hopeless romantic

I eagerly wait for the next dream

and as soon as my head reaches the pillow

I’ll be far from here

in a fantasy.

Are you there

reading what I have to say?

I wish we could have been

more than friends

but now it’s not the same

and I am trying to be someone better

than I was those many years ago.

One last thing before I go:

I’m awake and hopeful.

 

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Who Cares?

It’s raining outside my window,

darkness all around me,

night has come once again

and dreams will soon find me.

My head is heavy with burdens,

does anyone care?

I find these times alone,

times when I have nothing but thinking to do

to be times of strong emotions

as I recall memories

when all I have are memories.

Is it better to be alone?

No one to share these moments with.

I have my memories

but who cares about my memories?

 

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Silence

I start with a few words

of honesty,

I share what’s happening.

It’s inside of me

these feelings of being inadequate.

I try to ignore your silence

but I don’t have it in me.

 

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Gone

Lately

I’ve been dreaming,

thinking so much

about tomorrow.

I feel these memories,

like pieces of a puzzle.

Tonight

I remember a life

lived before now,

I want to hold tightly to

these moments gone.

 

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Memories

If you can hear me,

when I say I need you,

will you remember me

when I’m no longer with you?

Someday my memories,

all of my days and nights,

will be forgotten

like so many before me.

I wonder if I’m wasting

these precious hours

seeking something

I shall never find.

I wonder if there’s more

to life than history.

 

 

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Again

Last words for another day,

will I be so bold

and say what’s on my mind?

I’m gay if you don’t already know.

I suck cock and guys suck mine as well.

I’ve had sex as if you could tell by looking at me.

Am I ashamed of these things?

No, I’m not and I will do it again.

 

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I dream of Love

I dream of days that will never be,

I dream of people I’ll never know.

Sometimes I say words no one will ever hear,

sometimes I think: why am I here?

It’s not easy to explain,

the many things

that I am.

I can be sweet

and I can be not so nice at times.

I have these moments I feel so alone,

I want you to know that the pain you may feel

I have felt that pain as well.

I wake up not aware of what to think of the new day,

I awake hopeful that I won’t make too many mistakes.

I’m too honest at times

and I lie too often

nothing is real anymore.

I like things you may hate.

I think too much

and I do too little

so my life feels incomplete.

I’m sometimes horny,

it’s a part of the lonely.

If you know what I mean

you must be breathing.

I want to be with someone,

use my dick once again.

Is that too honest

or is that vulgar?

If I tell you I want dick again

where would we begin

to say what is hidden within?

I know secrets that I won’t share here.

Where was I?

I want it but I may never have it again.

I also want love but what is love?

How do I know it’s real

when I’ve never really had it?

Who am I?

I am many things to many different people.

I am not always the same.

What I say tonight

may not be what I say tomorrow.

I dream while awake.

I dream of him

but there’s no him in real life.

We kiss and I want to remain kissing forever.

We share our lives

but I have no life to give.

We are physical but you’re not.

What I want is more than a dick,

that’s not mine,

but I don’t have that yet.

I dream while awake of a love not yet had.

 

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Remember

Sky is full of stars,

memories fill me

as I long to be

somewhere other than here.

I’m in my room,

though in my mind

I’m thousands of miles

somewhere else.

Images fill my head,

my heart quickens its pace.

I think of them,

their names long since

gone from my memory.

If I could touch you one more time,

taste you again,

feel your skin against mine,

feel your body as I am inside

of feel you inside

of me.

Those times were quick,

so brief yet I want them again.

I stand alone,

now in my room again,

I feel myself growing,

as these memories

come again.

I long for you

and I hope that you are doing well.

It’s been some years since

and I still remember you.

Day to Day

These times are tougher,

wondering what tomorrow will bring,

tougher than most days

but these aren’t your typical days.

My emotions are mixed,

I want to be alone

but I want to have a boyfriend

to hold me at night.

These times I imagine being next to him,

I could feel him next to me

and this closeness would

bring comfort to me.

Now Alone I stand,

always alone am I

as I wonder if there’s more to life

than this day to day.

 

Those Darkest of Hours

In the dark hours,

times of low

and sorrow

I hear his voice

shattering my silence.

I want to kill his memories,

forget the time I spent captive.

I’ve been broken,

those words spoken

are still roaming

my head like smoke filling

a room of memory.

You watched me in the shower,

you watched me as I slept

on your sofa in the living room.

You took me in your mouth,

threw up all over me,

I am being blunt

because these feelings

could ruin me

if not expressed.

You took me when I was low,

in need of a friend

but that was not what you wanted,

and you shattered me

with your words and deeds

when you wanted my seed inside of you.

This is raw

like my emotions,

confused as I was about the moments.

So you made me hard,

it’s not that difficult to do,

but I was never into you

like you were into me.

We could have been friends

but then you kept wanting more,

now these many years later

I write these words

wanting to end your

influence over me.

Between Love and Hate

I could pretend I’m doing fine,

fake expressions

and quick replies,

but things have never been well with me.

I’m stuck in these feelings

between love and hate

for myself.

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