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#emotions

Sometimes I Wonder…

Sometimes I wonder

where I went so wrong?

I could love you

but these feelings

won’t let me

let you in.

Somedays I feel like this crushing force

is about to take my last breath

as I remember you

as you were

when we would kiss.

Sometimes I think no one

could ever love me

as I am,

but how could I ever change

who I am for love?

 

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This Now…

I have been waiting for so long

to tell you everything

but at these times

the words fail me somehow.

If I could take back

what I’ve done,

reverse the years

to spare you the tears,

I would do anything

to do it all again.

I cannot pretend to understand

having someone like me

is like having no one at all

but here we are

and we’re all we’ve got

in this World.

So, let’s start new

with here and now

and see where things

take us now.

 

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We Kissed…

Somewhere, once someday long ago,

we kissed and I remember

how much I wanted it to never end

but here I am alone

longing to be kissed again.

I cannot explain it,

these feelings within

like tiny explosions

in my heart.

Do I still love you

or have I ever loved you

from the start?

Maybe I’ll never know

because it ended before

it had time to truly begin…

 

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Whole Again

I wish I could be so bold

in my life

but these strings

keep me down.

I feel the tug to be

like someone else

when my real self keeps

reaching up towards

greater heights.

I imagine being myself

but who am I

when these tragedies and lies

have shaped my identity?

I want to love but I fear

love won’t be returned.

These nights alone

I fear these nights

will be the rest

of my life.

Stuck in me head

trying to be me

when your impressions of me

keep bringing me down.

Trying to live my dreams

but all I receive are reasons to give up.

I hear the birds sing

and I hear the wind through the trees

as I sit silently waiting for another day to begin…

Can you take away the pain

and all of these hidden things

that keep me locked away?

I never doubted you,

Lord, you have brought me through

so much pain and suffering

but now I need for you

to make these broken pieces

whole again.

 

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Satisfy

The hour comes to me,

late at night in my room,

with the urge to be aroused

when all I really want

is to go to bed.

Love is Love

but have I found it anywhere?

I can be alone

and satisfy myself

but what I really need

is someone to hold me at night

and tell me things are alright.

 

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Caged Love

As the last ray of light

hits the horizon

I see you in my dreams

once again.

My hands shake

like they did

those many

years ago

in your bedroom.

Have I ever loved anyone

as I loved you then?

 

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Where to Begin?

I think you know by now

that these doubts linger with me

everyday of my life,

I wish I could take these things

and remove them so easily

but I don’t have the answers

to the riddles of my heart.

Where do I start

to tell of the history

and the pain?

 

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Short Stories

I am posting short stories to my Patreon…

 

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If You Will Remain

Soft lips

under soft light

candle light,

knowing you’re there.

 

Moments together

yearning for more.

 

Day ends

is there more?

can I ever know you

know you more?

 

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A moment

I was thinking so often,

in that moment

that lasted a only minutes,

that I could take you home

but I was too shy to even

go up to you in person.

I watched hoping

that you’d come over

and things would happen

like an emotion.

I imagine you as my boyfriend

though I don’t know your name.

I imagine us together

though it will never be that way.

I dream of you

if only in that moment.

 

 

 

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Your Lips

Suddenly I’m into deep

when I’ve chased my dreams

down a dead end street.

I watch you in memory,

you were so much to me,

but now you’re somewhere

out there unaware

of how much you meant to me.

Who am I?

What has made me into

the person you now see?

I’m not perfect

and I will never be whole

because things I’ve left behind.

Suddenly I’m aware of myself.

I am aware of a time forgotten

now remembered as if

lived only a moment ago.

We kissed.

Do you recall?

I was in love

or so I thought

but you turned me down.

It was the best,

for the two of us,

to part as we did

but I still miss your lips

pressed against mine.

 

 

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If Only

I close my eyes to the day,

dreams are better than

my real life.

If I could express

in words

the things

in my head

I would

but they remain

unspoken.

I holding onto so much

you’ve never seen,

what do I know of anything

but the pain that comes

from the struggles of life.

I wait for night to come,

to haveĀ  a chance

to forget:

if only for a dream.

Where We Once Walked…

The bus moves slowly through the town that I once called home. I’ve been sleeping since I left the place I was but now here I am uncertain of what’s next. I could say that moving back here was a part of a greater plan but when have I ever planned anything?
The trees where I once ran between remain. The park still as green as when I was here once so many years ago.
I remember that last night spent here with him. We were in love but my life called me away.
The bus stops and for a moment I consider remaining on the bus. I could go to another town. I could live the rest of my life without returning here…
Continue reading on my Patreon (found below):

Strangers

Days looking back

to a time long forgotten.

Do you remember me?

It was so long ago

that we met,

though we only

knew each other

for such a short time.

Hello,

stranger from my past,

I hope that you are doing well.

 

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Confidence

Late night,

alone in my room,

wondering what to do

when I’m so unsure of everything.

I desire to do so much

but I lack the confidence

to do much of anything.

People from My Past

It’s stuck in my head,

fragments of memories,

those times real or imagined.

There’s no one to ask,

no one would know,

these people from my past

either a dream or in my waking life.

 

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fjasonwhitakerwriter.com

 

Awake and Hopeful

I woke from a dream

not knowing if it was real,

open my eyes to realise

I was dreaming the entire time.

I could say I regret

but life happened

and all you have are memories.

I have a telephone

but no one ever calls me,

I’m alone on this journey of life

and I’m looking for someone to show me

the direction to the the nearest exit.

I wake to a cold bed,

I’m stiff and freezing cold.

I’m alone in my bed

with dreams lingering,

do you remember me

because I was different then?

Now I am woke

ready to smash,

patiently waiting

but always a hopeless romantic

I eagerly wait for the next dream

and as soon as my head reaches the pillow

I’ll be far from here

in a fantasy.

Are you there

reading what I have to say?

I wish we could have been

more than friends

but now it’s not the same

and I am trying to be someone better

than I was those many years ago.

One last thing before I go:

I’m awake and hopeful.

 

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Who Cares?

It’s raining outside my window,

darkness all around me,

night has come once again

and dreams will soon find me.

My head is heavy with burdens,

does anyone care?

I find these times alone,

times when I have nothing but thinking to do

to be times of strong emotions

as I recall memories

when all I have are memories.

Is it better to be alone?

No one to share these moments with.

I have my memories

but who cares about my memories?

 

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Silence

I start with a few words

of honesty,

I share what’s happening.

It’s inside of me

these feelings of being inadequate.

I try to ignore your silence

but I don’t have it in me.

 

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Gone

Lately

I’ve been dreaming,

thinking so much

about tomorrow.

I feel these memories,

like pieces of a puzzle.

Tonight

I remember a life

lived before now,

I want to hold tightly to

these moments gone.

 

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