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#LosAngeles

Goodbye to the Past

It’s been so many days

since we last spoke on the telephone

but it’s just now that I write these words down:

I wish that things were different,

I miss the way it was before

but maybe it could never be

like it was before again.

I don’t blame you for being who you are,

I only wish you the best,

and as I end this

I want you to know

how much you mean to me

all of those times we’d be on the telephone.

It meant more to me

to hear you talk about your day

because I’m here alone

so often and you were

a voice in the silence

of my life.

We have parted ways,

we’ve done this before,

but now I’m afraid

that this must be

a permanent end

to our conversations.

 

 

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Not Forgotten

I slow my mind

with a rhythm

as my heart races.

I think about a moment,

it was so long ago,

it was just one night

but I’ve never forgotten it.

I recall meeting him

every so often

and how I only thought of him

while we were together.

Sometimes I think about the guys

I’ve shared my time with

but they were only moments in time

and now I am here alone.

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When I dream of Love…

All of these days and nights

dreaming of someone like you

but you’re just a dream

that will never come true.

Alone in my room

with my thoughts

and time…

I find myself wanting what I’ve never had from you.

 

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Sometimes of Memory

Sometimes while watching the weather repeat,

hot days with thunderstorms once again,

I find myself thinking about these many years.

Once I sat and spoke with you

on the Boulevard

while fascinated by the colors of the lights

and our conversation I recall

as a jumble of words.

I follow these fragments of memory

to the many places that I have been before.

I can taste these memories

like you were here with me now

but I have no idea where you reside now.

 

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We Shall Rise…

It’s louder than ever before,

a call to rise

and realise

things are not well.

These days we live,

like no other days

are full of hope

if only we don’t remain silent

about what’s happening

all around us.

 

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Waiting

I shed the things of my past

like baggage left

at a former house.

I see the changes

over time

like an evolution

of myself.

I feel the soft skin beneath

and the blood rushes.

Counting the stars

while wishing

these dreams

could ever be true.

I lay in bed wondering,

is this all there will ever be?

I keep hope

despite the odds.

Is this real living

or am I a captive of my dreams?

A dream is worth the waiting.

 

 

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Satisfy

The hour comes to me,

late at night in my room,

with the urge to be aroused

when all I really want

is to go to bed.

Love is Love

but have I found it anywhere?

I can be alone

and satisfy myself

but what I really need

is someone to hold me at night

and tell me things are alright.

 

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Different Path

The time is passing,

nothing lasting forever

when you try to say

the words on your mind.

I feel your pain,

nothing holding us back

but the years of keeping it all inside.

Tonight I remember you,

do you remember me,

so many people that I think of

but where are they now?

If I ever knew you

don’t think I left you

because I never meant to leave

anyone behind

life moved me forward

and your path was

different from mine.

 

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Better…

A million questions

inside of my head,

sitting while you were

going down,

closing my eyes

to what’s real

for a dream.

I close my eyes

to it all

when things are tough,

I imagine things are better

but I wonder if

things will ever be better…

 

 

 

Where to Begin?

I think you know by now

that these doubts linger with me

everyday of my life,

I wish I could take these things

and remove them so easily

but I don’t have the answers

to the riddles of my heart.

Where do I start

to tell of the history

and the pain?

 

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A moment

I was thinking so often,

in that moment

that lasted a only minutes,

that I could take you home

but I was too shy to even

go up to you in person.

I watched hoping

that you’d come over

and things would happen

like an emotion.

I imagine you as my boyfriend

though I don’t know your name.

I imagine us together

though it will never be that way.

I dream of you

if only in that moment.

 

 

 

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If Only

I close my eyes to the day,

dreams are better than

my real life.

If I could express

in words

the things

in my head

I would

but they remain

unspoken.

I holding onto so much

you’ve never seen,

what do I know of anything

but the pain that comes

from the struggles of life.

I wait for night to come,

to haveĀ  a chance

to forget:

if only for a dream.

Where We Once Walked…

The bus moves slowly through the town that I once called home. I’ve been sleeping since I left the place I was but now here I am uncertain of what’s next. I could say that moving back here was a part of a greater plan but when have I ever planned anything?
The trees where I once ran between remain. The park still as green as when I was here once so many years ago.
I remember that last night spent here with him. We were in love but my life called me away.
The bus stops and for a moment I consider remaining on the bus. I could go to another town. I could live the rest of my life without returning here…
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Days Gone

I watched the days,

so many days gone,

drifting like a leaf

on a stream

towards a river

to never be seen again.

 

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Strangers

Days looking back

to a time long forgotten.

Do you remember me?

It was so long ago

that we met,

though we only

knew each other

for such a short time.

Hello,

stranger from my past,

I hope that you are doing well.

 

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Again

Last words for another day,

will I be so bold

and say what’s on my mind?

I’m gay if you don’t already know.

I suck cock and guys suck mine as well.

I’ve had sex as if you could tell by looking at me.

Am I ashamed of these things?

No, I’m not and I will do it again.

 

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I dream of Love

I dream of days that will never be,

I dream of people I’ll never know.

Sometimes I say words no one will ever hear,

sometimes I think: why am I here?

It’s not easy to explain,

the many things

that I am.

I can be sweet

and I can be not so nice at times.

I have these moments I feel so alone,

I want you to know that the pain you may feel

I have felt that pain as well.

I wake up not aware of what to think of the new day,

I awake hopeful that I won’t make too many mistakes.

I’m too honest at times

and I lie too often

nothing is real anymore.

I like things you may hate.

I think too much

and I do too little

so my life feels incomplete.

I’m sometimes horny,

it’s a part of the lonely.

If you know what I mean

you must be breathing.

I want to be with someone,

use my dick once again.

Is that too honest

or is that vulgar?

If I tell you I want dick again

where would we begin

to say what is hidden within?

I know secrets that I won’t share here.

Where was I?

I want it but I may never have it again.

I also want love but what is love?

How do I know it’s real

when I’ve never really had it?

Who am I?

I am many things to many different people.

I am not always the same.

What I say tonight

may not be what I say tomorrow.

I dream while awake.

I dream of him

but there’s no him in real life.

We kiss and I want to remain kissing forever.

We share our lives

but I have no life to give.

We are physical but you’re not.

What I want is more than a dick,

that’s not mine,

but I don’t have that yet.

I dream while awake of a love not yet had.

 

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Everything

Rain on my roof,

nothing to do but think of you

but there’s no you to think about.

I look at myself,

I thought I knew who I was

those years ago

but now I see

that I never knew

everything.

 

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A moment

Tonight I dream,

maybe of wonderful things,

to wake in the morning

forgetting everything.

I could live a moment again,

my lips against your skin,

I almost taste you again.

One night so long ago,

in a room I knew it all

but little did I know

I’d look back upon those moments

these year from then.

I was so eager,

you wanted to take it slow,

we kissed and then I kissed you below.

I have forgotten your name,

I wish I knew it now I’d find you somehow,

but I do recall laying on top of you.

As the end of our time together,

I did not want you to leave

but you had your own life

and we were not meant to be.

I wonder if I could have said or done something differently

to make it more

than a one night stand

but that was so long ago

and here I am wanting you again.

 

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Remember

Sky is full of stars,

memories fill me

as I long to be

somewhere other than here.

I’m in my room,

though in my mind

I’m thousands of miles

somewhere else.

Images fill my head,

my heart quickens its pace.

I think of them,

their names long since

gone from my memory.

If I could touch you one more time,

taste you again,

feel your skin against mine,

feel your body as I am inside

of feel you inside

of me.

Those times were quick,

so brief yet I want them again.

I stand alone,

now in my room again,

I feel myself growing,

as these memories

come again.

I long for you

and I hope that you are doing well.

It’s been some years since

and I still remember you.

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