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#memory

Untitled New Story

I found myself on a Greyhound leaving the bright lights of the city for a place I’ve only heard about in stories. What brought about my exodus is another story. This is the story of how a gay boy went to live with his conservative grandparents. This is your warning: reading this story may result in unexpected tears.

The bus that brings me to my final stop, my destination, is less than full. Most of the people that began this journey with me those many miles ago have departed for other points of interest.

I remained seated as the bus pulls into the station. This was not part of my vision board. I had dreams that did not include leaving the hope of civilization behind for the uncertainty of a small town in the south.

 

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Sometimes I Wonder…

Sometimes I wonder

where I went so wrong?

I could love you

but these feelings

won’t let me

let you in.

Somedays I feel like this crushing force

is about to take my last breath

as I remember you

as you were

when we would kiss.

Sometimes I think no one

could ever love me

as I am,

but how could I ever change

who I am for love?

 

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Whole Again

I wish I could be so bold

in my life

but these strings

keep me down.

I feel the tug to be

like someone else

when my real self keeps

reaching up towards

greater heights.

I imagine being myself

but who am I

when these tragedies and lies

have shaped my identity?

I want to love but I fear

love won’t be returned.

These nights alone

I fear these nights

will be the rest

of my life.

Stuck in me head

trying to be me

when your impressions of me

keep bringing me down.

Trying to live my dreams

but all I receive are reasons to give up.

I hear the birds sing

and I hear the wind through the trees

as I sit silently waiting for another day to begin…

Can you take away the pain

and all of these hidden things

that keep me locked away?

I never doubted you,

Lord, you have brought me through

so much pain and suffering

but now I need for you

to make these broken pieces

whole again.

 

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Better…

A million questions

inside of my head,

sitting while you were

going down,

closing my eyes

to what’s real

for a dream.

I close my eyes

to it all

when things are tough,

I imagine things are better

but I wonder if

things will ever be better…

 

 

 

A moment

I was thinking so often,

in that moment

that lasted a only minutes,

that I could take you home

but I was too shy to even

go up to you in person.

I watched hoping

that you’d come over

and things would happen

like an emotion.

I imagine you as my boyfriend

though I don’t know your name.

I imagine us together

though it will never be that way.

I dream of you

if only in that moment.

 

 

 

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What Became of You…

I didn’t mean to forget you,

if I could go back we’d still be friends,

but now these many years later

we’ve gone our separate ways.

I remember riding so far,

I think of you every so often.

Where are you now?

I have no way to connect with you.

If you read this

please consider saying hi,

I’ve wondered what became of you…

 

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On My Own

Today I woke up,

alone again,

not knowing

where to begin.

Who can I go to

when I need someone?

I’m here alone,

wondering what to do,

wondering if I will fail

when I try to be more

than I was yesterday.

Will you help me?

Today I wonder

how I will do anything

on my own.

 

Confidence

Late night,

alone in my room,

wondering what to do

when I’m so unsure of everything.

I desire to do so much

but I lack the confidence

to do much of anything.

People from My Past

It’s stuck in my head,

fragments of memories,

those times real or imagined.

There’s no one to ask,

no one would know,

these people from my past

either a dream or in my waking life.

 

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Not Here

Slow down,

night is here,

sing me to sleep

while I pretend

I’m somewhere not here.

 

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Awake and Hopeful

I woke from a dream

not knowing if it was real,

open my eyes to realise

I was dreaming the entire time.

I could say I regret

but life happened

and all you have are memories.

I have a telephone

but no one ever calls me,

I’m alone on this journey of life

and I’m looking for someone to show me

the direction to the the nearest exit.

I wake to a cold bed,

I’m stiff and freezing cold.

I’m alone in my bed

with dreams lingering,

do you remember me

because I was different then?

Now I am woke

ready to smash,

patiently waiting

but always a hopeless romantic

I eagerly wait for the next dream

and as soon as my head reaches the pillow

I’ll be far from here

in a fantasy.

Are you there

reading what I have to say?

I wish we could have been

more than friends

but now it’s not the same

and I am trying to be someone better

than I was those many years ago.

One last thing before I go:

I’m awake and hopeful.

 

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If I Could…

If I could go back

live the moments again

just to be next to you again

I would.

If I could go back

and change the way I was

I would tell you

how much you meant to me,

I would.

 

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Remember

These days,

looking back,

looking forward

uncertain where I’ll be next.

I remember you,

I’ve not forgotten

what you meant to me

even after all of these years.

I reflect upon those days and nights,

so many people that I have met,

and now here I am alone.

On the floor the night before,

I spent so many days and nights

in that house.

In the living room

sharing a moment,

sharing a sofa

I remember your kiss

and I remember my love

for you.

I remember you,

you know who you are.

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Who Cares?

It’s raining outside my window,

darkness all around me,

night has come once again

and dreams will soon find me.

My head is heavy with burdens,

does anyone care?

I find these times alone,

times when I have nothing but thinking to do

to be times of strong emotions

as I recall memories

when all I have are memories.

Is it better to be alone?

No one to share these moments with.

I have my memories

but who cares about my memories?

 

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Gone

Lately

I’ve been dreaming,

thinking so much

about tomorrow.

I feel these memories,

like pieces of a puzzle.

Tonight

I remember a life

lived before now,

I want to hold tightly to

these moments gone.

 

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Memories

If you can hear me,

when I say I need you,

will you remember me

when I’m no longer with you?

Someday my memories,

all of my days and nights,

will be forgotten

like so many before me.

I wonder if I’m wasting

these precious hours

seeking something

I shall never find.

I wonder if there’s more

to life than history.

 

 

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Fragments

Somewhere inside of my head

memories float out of reach,

Sometimes I find bits and fragments

of something lost within.

 

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Again

Last words for another day,

will I be so bold

and say what’s on my mind?

I’m gay if you don’t already know.

I suck cock and guys suck mine as well.

I’ve had sex as if you could tell by looking at me.

Am I ashamed of these things?

No, I’m not and I will do it again.

 

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I dream of Love

I dream of days that will never be,

I dream of people I’ll never know.

Sometimes I say words no one will ever hear,

sometimes I think: why am I here?

It’s not easy to explain,

the many things

that I am.

I can be sweet

and I can be not so nice at times.

I have these moments I feel so alone,

I want you to know that the pain you may feel

I have felt that pain as well.

I wake up not aware of what to think of the new day,

I awake hopeful that I won’t make too many mistakes.

I’m too honest at times

and I lie too often

nothing is real anymore.

I like things you may hate.

I think too much

and I do too little

so my life feels incomplete.

I’m sometimes horny,

it’s a part of the lonely.

If you know what I mean

you must be breathing.

I want to be with someone,

use my dick once again.

Is that too honest

or is that vulgar?

If I tell you I want dick again

where would we begin

to say what is hidden within?

I know secrets that I won’t share here.

Where was I?

I want it but I may never have it again.

I also want love but what is love?

How do I know it’s real

when I’ve never really had it?

Who am I?

I am many things to many different people.

I am not always the same.

What I say tonight

may not be what I say tomorrow.

I dream while awake.

I dream of him

but there’s no him in real life.

We kiss and I want to remain kissing forever.

We share our lives

but I have no life to give.

We are physical but you’re not.

What I want is more than a dick,

that’s not mine,

but I don’t have that yet.

I dream while awake of a love not yet had.

 

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A moment

Tonight I dream,

maybe of wonderful things,

to wake in the morning

forgetting everything.

I could live a moment again,

my lips against your skin,

I almost taste you again.

One night so long ago,

in a room I knew it all

but little did I know

I’d look back upon those moments

these year from then.

I was so eager,

you wanted to take it slow,

we kissed and then I kissed you below.

I have forgotten your name,

I wish I knew it now I’d find you somehow,

but I do recall laying on top of you.

As the end of our time together,

I did not want you to leave

but you had your own life

and we were not meant to be.

I wonder if I could have said or done something differently

to make it more

than a one night stand

but that was so long ago

and here I am wanting you again.

 

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