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#past

Goodbye to the Past

It’s been so many days

since we last spoke on the telephone

but it’s just now that I write these words down:

I wish that things were different,

I miss the way it was before

but maybe it could never be

like it was before again.

I don’t blame you for being who you are,

I only wish you the best,

and as I end this

I want you to know

how much you mean to me

all of those times we’d be on the telephone.

It meant more to me

to hear you talk about your day

because I’m here alone

so often and you were

a voice in the silence

of my life.

We have parted ways,

we’ve done this before,

but now I’m afraid

that this must be

a permanent end

to our conversations.

 

 

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Not Forgotten

I slow my mind

with a rhythm

as my heart races.

I think about a moment,

it was so long ago,

it was just one night

but I’ve never forgotten it.

I recall meeting him

every so often

and how I only thought of him

while we were together.

Sometimes I think about the guys

I’ve shared my time with

but they were only moments in time

and now I am here alone.

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When I dream of Love…

All of these days and nights

dreaming of someone like you

but you’re just a dream

that will never come true.

Alone in my room

with my thoughts

and time…

I find myself wanting what I’ve never had from you.

 

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Sometimes of Memory

Sometimes while watching the weather repeat,

hot days with thunderstorms once again,

I find myself thinking about these many years.

Once I sat and spoke with you

on the Boulevard

while fascinated by the colors of the lights

and our conversation I recall

as a jumble of words.

I follow these fragments of memory

to the many places that I have been before.

I can taste these memories

like you were here with me now

but I have no idea where you reside now.

 

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Sometimes I Wonder…

Sometimes I wonder

where I went so wrong?

I could love you

but these feelings

won’t let me

let you in.

Somedays I feel like this crushing force

is about to take my last breath

as I remember you

as you were

when we would kiss.

Sometimes I think no one

could ever love me

as I am,

but how could I ever change

who I am for love?

 

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We Kissed…

Somewhere, once someday long ago,

we kissed and I remember

how much I wanted it to never end

but here I am alone

longing to be kissed again.

I cannot explain it,

these feelings within

like tiny explosions

in my heart.

Do I still love you

or have I ever loved you

from the start?

Maybe I’ll never know

because it ended before

it had time to truly begin…

 

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Whole Again

I wish I could be so bold

in my life

but these strings

keep me down.

I feel the tug to be

like someone else

when my real self keeps

reaching up towards

greater heights.

I imagine being myself

but who am I

when these tragedies and lies

have shaped my identity?

I want to love but I fear

love won’t be returned.

These nights alone

I fear these nights

will be the rest

of my life.

Stuck in me head

trying to be me

when your impressions of me

keep bringing me down.

Trying to live my dreams

but all I receive are reasons to give up.

I hear the birds sing

and I hear the wind through the trees

as I sit silently waiting for another day to begin…

Can you take away the pain

and all of these hidden things

that keep me locked away?

I never doubted you,

Lord, you have brought me through

so much pain and suffering

but now I need for you

to make these broken pieces

whole again.

 

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Most Important Dreams

Waking in the morning,

I’m out of bed

before my dreams fade

as they do everyday.

No alarm

just another day.

Nothing to do

but work and dream

the day away.

Say nothing to anyone

because I’m all alone in my room.

I dream while awake

and I dream at night

but the dreams that matter

the most to me

are the dreams

I’ve had so many years now…

 

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Past Dreams

I close my eyes to the night,

imagine a memory

but it was only a dream

I once had

when I was young.

What do I recall

from those earlier times?

I was not always alone

but now it’s all I remember.

 

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Different Path

The time is passing,

nothing lasting forever

when you try to say

the words on your mind.

I feel your pain,

nothing holding us back

but the years of keeping it all inside.

Tonight I remember you,

do you remember me,

so many people that I think of

but where are they now?

If I ever knew you

don’t think I left you

because I never meant to leave

anyone behind

life moved me forward

and your path was

different from mine.

 

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TV Shows

I trace my history

through the images upon the television screen,

moments in life

corresponding with the shows I would watch…

 

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Caged Love

As the last ray of light

hits the horizon

I see you in my dreams

once again.

My hands shake

like they did

those many

years ago

in your bedroom.

Have I ever loved anyone

as I loved you then?

 

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Better…

A million questions

inside of my head,

sitting while you were

going down,

closing my eyes

to what’s real

for a dream.

I close my eyes

to it all

when things are tough,

I imagine things are better

but I wonder if

things will ever be better…

 

 

 

Where to Begin?

I think you know by now

that these doubts linger with me

everyday of my life,

I wish I could take these things

and remove them so easily

but I don’t have the answers

to the riddles of my heart.

Where do I start

to tell of the history

and the pain?

 

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Short Stories

I am posting short stories to my Patreon…

 

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A moment

I was thinking so often,

in that moment

that lasted a only minutes,

that I could take you home

but I was too shy to even

go up to you in person.

I watched hoping

that you’d come over

and things would happen

like an emotion.

I imagine you as my boyfriend

though I don’t know your name.

I imagine us together

though it will never be that way.

I dream of you

if only in that moment.

 

 

 

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Your Lips

Suddenly I’m into deep

when I’ve chased my dreams

down a dead end street.

I watch you in memory,

you were so much to me,

but now you’re somewhere

out there unaware

of how much you meant to me.

Who am I?

What has made me into

the person you now see?

I’m not perfect

and I will never be whole

because things I’ve left behind.

Suddenly I’m aware of myself.

I am aware of a time forgotten

now remembered as if

lived only a moment ago.

We kissed.

Do you recall?

I was in love

or so I thought

but you turned me down.

It was the best,

for the two of us,

to part as we did

but I still miss your lips

pressed against mine.

 

 

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If Only

I close my eyes to the day,

dreams are better than

my real life.

If I could express

in words

the things

in my head

I would

but they remain

unspoken.

I holding onto so much

you’ve never seen,

what do I know of anything

but the pain that comes

from the struggles of life.

I wait for night to come,

to haveĀ  a chance

to forget:

if only for a dream.

Days Gone

I watched the days,

so many days gone,

drifting like a leaf

on a stream

towards a river

to never be seen again.

 

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Strangers

Days looking back

to a time long forgotten.

Do you remember me?

It was so long ago

that we met,

though we only

knew each other

for such a short time.

Hello,

stranger from my past,

I hope that you are doing well.

 

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