On My Own…

I stare into the abyss of the coming day,

hours I dread coming so fast

like a train on a foggy day

appearing like a ghost

so suddenly,

I shake myself awake

after dreams so vivid

but now they’re all faded

erased from my memory.

I count to ease the things

of memory that sometimes

rush like a flood

overwhelming me

as I attempt to live my life

forgetting the trauma

that has brought me here.

If only I could not be alone

I could dream those pleasant dreams

every night without the worry of

reliving something so dark from my past.

I could kiss his lips,

kiss his hips,

feel his embrace

while he’s inside.

These hours of life bring me back

to what’s real and what is not.

I’m without a love

and sometimes it hurts

to be on my own in this World.


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Not Forgotten

I slow my mind

with a rhythm

as my heart races.

I think about a moment,

it was so long ago,

it was just one night

but I’ve never forgotten it.

I recall meeting him

every so often

and how I only thought of him

while we were together.

Sometimes I think about the guys

I’ve shared my time with

but they were only moments in time

and now I am here alone.

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Sometimes I Wonder…

Sometimes I wonder

where I went so wrong?

I could love you

but these feelings

won’t let me

let you in.

Somedays I feel like this crushing force

is about to take my last breath

as I remember you

as you were

when we would kiss.

Sometimes I think no one

could ever love me

as I am,

but how could I ever change

who I am for love?


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The hour comes to me,

late at night in my room,

with the urge to be aroused

when all I really want

is to go to bed.

Love is Love

but have I found it anywhere?

I can be alone

and satisfy myself

but what I really need

is someone to hold me at night

and tell me things are alright.


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Caged Love

As the last ray of light

hits the horizon

I see you in my dreams

once again.

My hands shake

like they did

those many

years ago

in your bedroom.

Have I ever loved anyone

as I loved you then?


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A million questions

inside of my head,

sitting while you were

going down,

closing my eyes

to what’s real

for a dream.

I close my eyes

to it all

when things are tough,

I imagine things are better

but I wonder if

things will ever be better…




Short Stories

I am posting short stories to my Patreon…


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If You Will Remain

Soft lips

under soft light

candle light,

knowing you’re there.


Moments together

yearning for more.


Day ends

is there more?

can I ever know you

know you more?


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Into the Woods

The embers of the fire glow as if alive. The fire is almost dead. Smoke rises in a few places. I sit on a log nearby watching. It’s late in the evening and I’m here alone watching a fire die out.
The rest of the troop is elsewhere.
Earlier in the night we scattered through the trees hiding as other seeked. I walked slowly through the woods trying to avoid the random branch. I can smell the scents of camping. The smell of trees and the smell of nearby camp fires.
I begin to hide by myself when he appeared…


Continued on my Patreon:


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Once Upon a Memory

When I close my eyes I remember the beginning. The scars remain but so do the memories. I’m told that things will get better but memories are not as easy to heal.

The lights are off in his house. I can hear the rest of his family asleep throughout the house. I’m sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag. It feels like I’m camping.

He’s in his bed. I’m on the floor next to his bed. I wonder if he’s asleep but I’m unwilling to sit up and look. It’s a quiet night. The absence of extraneous sounds only amplifies the relevant sounds.

Shall I name him? A person from memory? Is this memory what actually happened or a fictionalized version that my brain has created?

I don’t know what time it is. He moves in his bed. I hear him because I’ve been listening in anticipation of hearing him move, which means that he could be awake. I’ve waited for this moment. The first time could have been one of those once in a lifetime moments.

I close my eyes because it’s like a scary movie where you want to know what happens next but you’re afraid to see it actually take place. I close my eyes tightly.

I feel his breath upon my neck. His mouth is so close to my neck that I can feel the warmth of his breath…


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A moment

I was thinking so often,

in that moment

that lasted a only minutes,

that I could take you home

but I was too shy to even

go up to you in person.

I watched hoping

that you’d come over

and things would happen

like an emotion.

I imagine you as my boyfriend

though I don’t know your name.

I imagine us together

though it will never be that way.

I dream of you

if only in that moment.




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Where We Once Walked…

The bus moves slowly through the town that I once called home. I’ve been sleeping since I left the place I was but now here I am uncertain of what’s next. I could say that moving back here was a part of a greater plan but when have I ever planned anything?
The trees where I once ran between remain. The park still as green as when I was here once so many years ago.
I remember that last night spent here with him. We were in love but my life called me away.
The bus stops and for a moment I consider remaining on the bus. I could go to another town. I could live the rest of my life without returning here…
Continue reading on my Patreon (found below):

Awake and Hopeful

I woke from a dream

not knowing if it was real,

open my eyes to realise

I was dreaming the entire time.

I could say I regret

but life happened

and all you have are memories.

I have a telephone

but no one ever calls me,

I’m alone on this journey of life

and I’m looking for someone to show me

the direction to the the nearest exit.

I wake to a cold bed,

I’m stiff and freezing cold.

I’m alone in my bed

with dreams lingering,

do you remember me

because I was different then?

Now I am woke

ready to smash,

patiently waiting

but always a hopeless romantic

I eagerly wait for the next dream

and as soon as my head reaches the pillow

I’ll be far from here

in a fantasy.

Are you there

reading what I have to say?

I wish we could have been

more than friends

but now it’s not the same

and I am trying to be someone better

than I was those many years ago.

One last thing before I go:

I’m awake and hopeful.


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Last words for another day,

will I be so bold

and say what’s on my mind?

I’m gay if you don’t already know.

I suck cock and guys suck mine as well.

I’ve had sex as if you could tell by looking at me.

Am I ashamed of these things?

No, I’m not and I will do it again.


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I dream of Love

I dream of days that will never be,

I dream of people I’ll never know.

Sometimes I say words no one will ever hear,

sometimes I think: why am I here?

It’s not easy to explain,

the many things

that I am.

I can be sweet

and I can be not so nice at times.

I have these moments I feel so alone,

I want you to know that the pain you may feel

I have felt that pain as well.

I wake up not aware of what to think of the new day,

I awake hopeful that I won’t make too many mistakes.

I’m too honest at times

and I lie too often

nothing is real anymore.

I like things you may hate.

I think too much

and I do too little

so my life feels incomplete.

I’m sometimes horny,

it’s a part of the lonely.

If you know what I mean

you must be breathing.

I want to be with someone,

use my dick once again.

Is that too honest

or is that vulgar?

If I tell you I want dick again

where would we begin

to say what is hidden within?

I know secrets that I won’t share here.

Where was I?

I want it but I may never have it again.

I also want love but what is love?

How do I know it’s real

when I’ve never really had it?

Who am I?

I am many things to many different people.

I am not always the same.

What I say tonight

may not be what I say tomorrow.

I dream while awake.

I dream of him

but there’s no him in real life.

We kiss and I want to remain kissing forever.

We share our lives

but I have no life to give.

We are physical but you’re not.

What I want is more than a dick,

that’s not mine,

but I don’t have that yet.

I dream while awake of a love not yet had.


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It’s late in the evening,

I’m thinking of leaving,

but there’s nothing for me

out there beyond the dreams.

I like to be more than imaginary,

these feelings so real

I’m about to be real.

Have you seen my anatomy?

What words would you say

to describe the parts of my anatomy?

I’ve been given compliments,

nice dick and balls,

but here I’m alone.

I am no longer ashamed

of what’s down below

I can show you if you want,

you can play with it if you like

I’m over being down about myself.

In my honesty I might be graphic

but why not be honest with ourselves

and talk about how we feel.

I like sex but that’s not all there’s to me.

It’s late in the evening

and things are getting strange,

hiding what I mean

between the lines.

I want to share the times I’ve had

that still remain fresh in my memory.

I want to live it again

though it cannot be again.

Before I was so low,

hated everything about myself,

and those times I was wanted and desired for my dick

it made me feel somewhat better about myself.

If you think you know me you don’t,

I am many layers,

and not all of my layers are revealed

to everyone.

This is complicated,

like me,

but there’s a point to all of this:

I have a dick and I’m not ashamed of it anymore.

I was told so many other things

that made me doubt everything,

but now here I am.

If you have anything bad to say

about me or what I say

then I have something for you.


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Wait and See

I’m patiently waiting,

I have what you want,

ask and you will find

what I’ll show you.

Let’s not play,

I have a nice one

so let’s see what we can do with it.

We have options,

no reason to stop,

on your lips I can feel

that this is real.

Do we need a break?

I can take you anywhere,

I can be where you need me.

Is this real or make believe?

I have a nice one

so I’ll do what I can

to use it when I can,

no apologies for my honesty.


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A moment

Tonight I dream,

maybe of wonderful things,

to wake in the morning

forgetting everything.

I could live a moment again,

my lips against your skin,

I almost taste you again.

One night so long ago,

in a room I knew it all

but little did I know

I’d look back upon those moments

these year from then.

I was so eager,

you wanted to take it slow,

we kissed and then I kissed you below.

I have forgotten your name,

I wish I knew it now I’d find you somehow,

but I do recall laying on top of you.

As the end of our time together,

I did not want you to leave

but you had your own life

and we were not meant to be.

I wonder if I could have said or done something differently

to make it more

than a one night stand

but that was so long ago

and here I am wanting you again.


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It’s me again

trying to be me since when,

not ashamed to admit my needs when

I write about my lack of sex in my life.

Memories are fine

but being on my own

these memories only remind me

of the absence in my life.


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With fading dreams I awake,

wondering if today will be different

from the many before this one.

I dream of a stranger,

someone unknown to me now

but someday we won’t be strangers anymore.


I’ve been thinking of you often,

wondering what those future days

would be like when my solitude would end.

I could smell your skin,

a scent I would know so well,

place my lips against your skin

just below your ears.

I could feel you pressing against me,

feel you in me.

We could begin with whispers,

love lines said between us.

We would kiss

and hold each other closer than before.

I would find you ready,

I could kiss it

and know that you’re eagerly waiting

to fill me your love.

Now back to this moment,

alone wondering if we’ll ever be

because it’s hard when I imagine

what it will be like to have you in my arms

and know that you love me.


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